Just a few weeks to go!

Hey everyone,

I realised it's probably time for another blog update! Things can get so busy here the time just flies by and I realise several weeks have just gone since my last blog! Well, they do say time flies when you're having fun, and that is so true here.

So, again I could easily blog about the activities I've been up to here - there have been so many. And next week I'm going to my first ever baseball game, which is very exciting! But, that kinda stuff, as fun as it is, can be pretty superficial and you guys will never know the stuff I'm thinking about or praying over. And believe me, I'm spending most of my time here thinking about stuff and praying! :) So if I missed that out, i'd be missing 90% of my experiences here!

Later on this week we're having a big team seminar kinda collating all of our experiences and thoughts over the GSP program. So i've just sat down and brainstormed all the things God has challenged me with this summer. Man, he has not been short of things to challenge me on I tell you. There have been days here where I have been so emotionally exhausted that I have slept for 14 hours a day.

I thought the best way to share my thoughts, feelings and experiences with God here is to share with you my list! So, here it is:

1. Who is God - God is love, God is good (and Satan is a big lying evil meanie)
- learning that God is a loving, kind, compassionate God who does not want to harm me. Tackling the issue I had that God wouldn't want to grant my prayers because I wasn't worth it or good enough. If He died for me, is there anything he wouldn't do? God being a Father and Creator, and His interactions with me as his Daughter and creation. And also identifying that all goodness comes from God, and that Satan is the personification of badness and evil. He lies, he doubts, he makes us feel like rubbish. He is the opposite of God - rather that dying so we will be free, Satan would rather give us the death sentence.

2. My attitudes and character
- God has been encouraging me to be a better person and to develop more "christ-like" characteristics. Being more gracious and forigiving, kindness and servant heart towards others, learning obedience to Him, looking at the characteristics of a godly woman. Realising that sometimes it is my attitude that needs adjusting and not everyone else around me!

3. Obedience and Trust in God
- Genuinely trusting Him in my future, and trusting that He will bless my hearts desires. Usually, I only trust in God when either I don't care about the outcome, or if I feel I could still control it if it doesn't go my way. But this isn't trust in God, nor is it submitting to His plans and His will. Also, when it comes to obedience, God really challenged me that doing it when it's convenient to me isn't really the point. Sometimes God will ask me to give up something because it is harmful to me, and I'll do it just because I want to. This is not me demonstrating my love for Him or for myself. God only wants to the best for me, so even though what He is asking may be difficult, it's for the best.

4. Having a proactive obedience and faith
- I've talked about obedience and trust above, but usually i'm not that proactive about it. I'll pray that God will wave a magic wand and change my character without any effort on my part. It so does not work that way. I was really challenged on this. God has already died for me - what does He need to prove? Nothing. But in a two-way relationship with God, what have I done to shown my love for Him? In my rudeness, ignorance and disobedience? I have really been challenged that I need to have a proactive faith, and that means me actively changing my character in the way I think and react to things. That sometimes I need to prove to God that He is worth it by giving up something I love. Just like He did. It's my turn.

5. Trusting in God one day at a time and enjoying the present
- I'm a planner. I like to plan ahead and know what is going on. Which means, I need to be in control of everything, all the time. This isn't me trusting God will work everything out, but in reality, it's me assuming it won't. God loves us, and rather than fret about the future - it's accepting that not only does He have a plan, but He has it under control. And all I need to do is enjoy the ride with Him. Easier said than done, but I'm trying.

6. Truthfulness - to myself and others
- I am a people pleaser. I want people to like me and approve of me. I'm also terrified of being left alone and abandoned by the people I love. It's probably my biggest fear in life, and one I have experienced a few times with friends, family and loved ones just giving up on me and leaving. I've noticed I tend to put up a front to people - to make myself liked and to protect myself from being hurt. In the Myers-Briggs I come out as an INTJ (Introvert, iNtuitive, Thinking, Judger). In reality, I think that the TJ part is probably a big defense mehcanism. I intellectualise everything to avoid my feelings being hurt. I can be impartial and remove my feelings from it. That way, I don't get hurt, or I can reason the situation. And my J is very much a controlling, planning characteristic I developed in order to try and control events - again to stop myself being hurt, or in reality to try and manipulate the situation for the same reason. I tell people that I'm a Thinker and that I don't cry or get emotionally effected by things, when in reality, it's the opposite. I have a huge emotional heart, but I just protect it because it's been hurt too much already. And my being in control of things, if something goes wrong, I only have myself to blame. It's far easier letting yourself down than somebody else letting you down. I know this is brutally honest, but it's something God has very much been working on this summer. I guess it's all out of fear which is another thing God has been working on.

7. My personality - how I have left my past shape who I am, and how much of who I am is a front in order to protect myself and keep up barriers
- Kinda like the above. I feel that we have two choices in life when we are hurt in our past. We can either let that hurt own us, or we can own it. I've done the first. I've let my hurt shape me in ways that are not always good or healthy. And i'm learning to give that hurt to God, mourn over loss, but know that everytime my heart is broken, Gods love is big enough to make it whole again.

8. A 2-way relationship with God
- Again, a bit like I said before, faith is about having a relationship with God. Which doesn't mean making demands of Him and doing what you want. It means showing love, trust and obedience to Him actively. I'm leanring to think about my relationship with God like any normal human relationship. If I just make demands of a person, ignore their good advice and don't bother calling them, that relationship will eventually break down and fail. It's going to hurt the other person and in reality, those attitudes and ebhaviours are far from loving. God is no different. My relationship with Him needs to involves kindness, love, respect, willingness to serve and take His advice. It means me trusting Him, and spending time with Him to get to know Him better. And it means me pulling my weight in the relationship.

9. God is not a genie
- Simple. God is not there to grant my every wish and demand. Imagine if He did that to everyone... all hell would break loose. God does want the best for us because He loves us. So when we're being selfish and praying a huge list of demands, if they're going to harm us, He just isn't going to do it. When a child asks their parents for a whole load of candy, if their parents want the best for their child, they'll say no. God is the same.

10. My commitment to God
- Faith is not something you can just dip your toe in. It's not something you do when it's convenient to you. And in the past, my faith has been just that. God has really highlighted that characteristic in me. I'm either in the boat, or I'm out of it - none of this dipping my toe to see if the water is warm business. Tom Yeakley said this morning that logic can only get you so far in life. Because most of the time, our logic is based from our personal viewpoint. To really "get" God, logic will get you so far, then you need a leap of faith. It's scary, but if you want the Good Stuff, you gotta take the leap. That's why it's called the leap of faith, not leap of nice-guaranteed-certainty.

11. My prayer life - how much of it is selfish and how much of it is for others
- Again, to do with God not being a genie. I realised most of my prayers are a "to-do list" of things God can kindly to to make my life better. Um, no. It doesn't work that way, and also, I've kinda been enlightened to how epicly selfish I am. God answers prayer, I have seen it. So it's time I can use my relationship with God to bless others, not just myself.

12. Fears are crippling
- Obvious, I know. But true. And i've let my fears and insecurities cripple me for a long time. And these things are so negative and damaging. They can warp you. I have let my fears build brick walls around my heart, so that at times I have just been plain cold and mean. By building up those walls, you don't only stop goodness going into your life, but you stop it going out to others too. Fears are like a hot coal - when we hold onto them it hurts and disfigures us. But when we let them go, and give them to God we give ourselves chance to heal.

13. Attitudes towards singless and marriage
- Eugh, this is a very personal thing I have been dealing with. There are many, many factors to it. One is my past, and for my default setting to be "in a relationship". Second, is my age - I know, i'm not old! But I am placing pressure on myself due to my own expectations and mental deadlines. Three, is circumstance - it feels everyone around me is getting married and in reality, I'm insanely jealous. And then, past hurt just makes that jealously all the more painful. And it's something that is just ridiculous. If I had a dollar for every minute spent thinking about it, i'd be a millionaire from this month alone. And that is all time I could be spending thinking about God, putting others first, and being a better person. It's also an area God flat out slammed me on (in a loving and encouraging way!) this last week. Here I am detailing my ideal husband, but do I possess the qualities that this ideal husband has in mind for a wife? Probably not. And for somebody I truly love, I want the very best for them - a kind, serving, loving, obedient, godly wife. And if I struggle with obedience and trust in God - somebody who is only good and will never let me down - how on earth will I do it for a regular man? This is very personal and private, I know. But it's something I feel God is asking me to share. Because i'm betting at some point everyone has struggled with this issue. I feel God is asking me to be faithful in "marriage" to Him, before He'll even think of blessing me with a husband. Because, in reality, if I was God and wanted to bless somebody with a good wife, i'm not too sure i'd pick me right now.

My Verses for this summer:
1. Nehemiah 1:5-9
- “O Lord, God of heaven, the great and awesome God who keeps his covenant of unfailing love with those who love him and obey his commands, listen to my prayer! I confess that I have sinned against you. I have hurt you terribly by not obeying the commands, decrees, and regulations that you gave us through your servant Moses. You said 'If you are unfaithful to me, I will scatter you among the nations. But if you return to me and obey my commands and live by them, then even if you are exiled to the ends of the earth, I will bring you back to the place I have chosen for my name to be honored.’"

2. Proverbs 3:5-6
- "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Seek Him in everything you do, and He will set your paths straight."

3. Jeremiah 29:11
- "For I know the plans I have for you' says the Lord. 'Plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

So there you go. Another epic update. I hope you all keep me in your prayers and pray over these points for me. At this point in my life, I just want to be a Daughter of God that honours, respects and obeys Him. I know that He is Good and Love, and that if I just remain in that (John 15:4), then amazing things will come.

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