Almost half way there!

Hey everyone,

First off, I want to apologise for my lack of blogging. Blogging isn't a normsl thing for me, so getting around to it can be quite difficult. Also, things are really busy here and the few minutes I get I either want some serious down-time, or serious God-time. So, I'm going to give you a bit of an epic update.

Secondly, I know the blogs I've had have all been caught up in GSP experiences - and we've had a lot of them. We've climbed Pikes Peak, been to the Zoo, I've been driving... it's so easy just to get caught up and distracted by all the shiny things that are going on around you and all the new friendships that are being made.

This blog is gonna be a bit more hardcore and serious. Yes, there have been some amazing experiences and sights here - but that isn't why I'm here. I came to the GSP to really connect deeply with God and try to understand Him better, deepen my trust in Him, and figure out what He wants for my life.

Initially, coming here was a kinda distraction from God. All the new stuff to see and people - I wasn't really focusing on being here for God, and it was more about me. But saying that, three weeks have now past and those distractions have become less and less, and more and more my focus has been turning to God. And man, have I needed it.

This last week especially, we have had some amazing speakers come in for the GSP programme who have really struck a chord in me. In these last few days, both Jery White and Randy Raysbrook have been speaking to us, and both times I was choking back tears at some point.

I've really been challanged as to why I here, and really been challanged on some of the attitudes I have. I've been challenged on my serving heart and love for others. I guess I feel i'm pretty selfish as an individual, and realised that most of my prayer time is about all the things God can do for me, and less about what I can do for Him and the people around me. I've started keeping a prayer list for others so at some point in my day I can stop, and focus on something other than myself for 10 minutes. And it really does make a difference.

Another thing that I feel God has challenged me on this summer is my reluctance to commit myself to Him. It feels like I only do it on my terms, when in reality, I'm the one who needs to make changes of heart and attitude. God is not a genie who grants endless wishes, and I cannot expect Him to do so. Today I was challenged by the thought that the times in my life I get upset are when things don't go my way. Wouldn't my life be so much better if I lived for God's way? Firstly, if I didn't get my way, it wouldn't matter so much, because i'd be living for Him. And secondly, God always gets His way. If I just lived day by day, in the moment, trusting that God would have HIS way with my life - then, i'd be a lot more peaceful. And I think, a lot would change in me too.

I'd be less selfish because i'd be living for Him. I'd be less controlling because I'd be trusting in His plans. I'd be less angry and bitter because i'd be less disappointed in not getting my way. And most importantly, i'd be turning my focus from myself firstly to God, and then to others.

Since becoming a Christian I have really wrestled with my personality and my life. Things haven't always been easy, and things from my past I have been greatly wounded by. It feels like I've spent two years asking God why on earth He let me go through that. Who am I to challenge God? My life has happened this way for a reason, and whatever I manage to do to it, God can redeem it and use it. And He really is. I'd have never believed a few years ago that I would be where I am now. He has turned the wreck of my life into something beyond my expectations or hope. It's right there in Ephesians 3:20 - "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."

And, um, why do I struggle so much letting Him just get on with it? What I can achieve on my own, do some degree is limited. I could have never got myself to America, climbing the Rockies without having to spend a penny of my own money on my own. No way. Impossible. With God, the impossible becomes possible. With God, He provided over £6,500 this year. With God, He passed me my dirving test in three weeks. With God, He got me to America for two months. These are all more that I could have asked or imagined.

As of right now, I have no idea where I am going to be in six months time. But I do know that God does. And whatever that is, He is on control. Right now, all God is asking of me is to have faith in Him. To let Him do what is needed. Not for me to make alternative arrangements or back up plans. Because if i'm doing those things, I'm doing them as a back up to my plans failing. God's plans will never fail.

I have spent the last four weeks here just feeling completely blown away by my life. My times with God have just been amazing. Challenging, and convicting - but amazing. I know God won't challenge me with anything I can't handle (1 Cor 10:13). These last few weeks I have felt a freedom that I cannot even put into words, and such joy and happiness. Finally, I feel like i'm at home. I feel like I'm exactly where God wants me, and for once, I'm not trying to work against Him. I feel liberated because I feel like I'm finally really giving myself over to Him. Do you know how incredibly freeing that is? It feels like my worries, my anger, my disappointment have just melted away. I can't stop myself from singing I feel so happy.

I'm realistic. There will always be times of struggle. There will be times in my life which will be hard and will suck and i'll want to pack it all in. And God will constantly be challenging and shaping me into being a better person. And I know He has plenty yet to work on. But hopefully, i'll always be able to look back on this moment and remember how freeing it feels to just give it all to Him, seek my comfort in Him and put God - put love - before everything else. I need to explain this.

When I read the verse "God is love" in 1 John 4:8, it chanegd everything. Everytime I read the Bible I substitued the words 'God', 'Jesus', 'Lord' or 'Holy Spirit' to the world Love. After all, that is what God is. And love is so much more tangible to me. I think most of us have experience love in some way. I'm fortunate enough to have an amazing mother who shows me what love is daily - and for me imaging that God is that kind of love - something so tangible, blows me away.
Now go back to scripture and look at it. All of a sudden, everything revolves around love. The whole Bible is about putting Love first. It's about trusting in Love, hoping in Love, surrendering yourself to Love. Stop. Just imagine what the world would be like if every single person did this.

It's not about some big powerful vengeful manipulative god, like in Greek mythology. It's not about following rules or never making mistakes. It's not about forcing people to do or believe anything. It's about putting Love as the priority in your life. It's about centering yourself in Love so that as far as humanly possible, we act out of Love. There's no long list of right and wrongs, or rules.

I'm going to end my blog on this simple truth:

"Love with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'There is no commandment greater than these."
- Mark 12:30-31

Imagine just how amazing the world would be if we all did this. x