Just a few weeks to go!

Hey everyone,

I realised it's probably time for another blog update! Things can get so busy here the time just flies by and I realise several weeks have just gone since my last blog! Well, they do say time flies when you're having fun, and that is so true here.

So, again I could easily blog about the activities I've been up to here - there have been so many. And next week I'm going to my first ever baseball game, which is very exciting! But, that kinda stuff, as fun as it is, can be pretty superficial and you guys will never know the stuff I'm thinking about or praying over. And believe me, I'm spending most of my time here thinking about stuff and praying! :) So if I missed that out, i'd be missing 90% of my experiences here!

Later on this week we're having a big team seminar kinda collating all of our experiences and thoughts over the GSP program. So i've just sat down and brainstormed all the things God has challenged me with this summer. Man, he has not been short of things to challenge me on I tell you. There have been days here where I have been so emotionally exhausted that I have slept for 14 hours a day.

I thought the best way to share my thoughts, feelings and experiences with God here is to share with you my list! So, here it is:

1. Who is God - God is love, God is good (and Satan is a big lying evil meanie)
- learning that God is a loving, kind, compassionate God who does not want to harm me. Tackling the issue I had that God wouldn't want to grant my prayers because I wasn't worth it or good enough. If He died for me, is there anything he wouldn't do? God being a Father and Creator, and His interactions with me as his Daughter and creation. And also identifying that all goodness comes from God, and that Satan is the personification of badness and evil. He lies, he doubts, he makes us feel like rubbish. He is the opposite of God - rather that dying so we will be free, Satan would rather give us the death sentence.

2. My attitudes and character
- God has been encouraging me to be a better person and to develop more "christ-like" characteristics. Being more gracious and forigiving, kindness and servant heart towards others, learning obedience to Him, looking at the characteristics of a godly woman. Realising that sometimes it is my attitude that needs adjusting and not everyone else around me!

3. Obedience and Trust in God
- Genuinely trusting Him in my future, and trusting that He will bless my hearts desires. Usually, I only trust in God when either I don't care about the outcome, or if I feel I could still control it if it doesn't go my way. But this isn't trust in God, nor is it submitting to His plans and His will. Also, when it comes to obedience, God really challenged me that doing it when it's convenient to me isn't really the point. Sometimes God will ask me to give up something because it is harmful to me, and I'll do it just because I want to. This is not me demonstrating my love for Him or for myself. God only wants to the best for me, so even though what He is asking may be difficult, it's for the best.

4. Having a proactive obedience and faith
- I've talked about obedience and trust above, but usually i'm not that proactive about it. I'll pray that God will wave a magic wand and change my character without any effort on my part. It so does not work that way. I was really challenged on this. God has already died for me - what does He need to prove? Nothing. But in a two-way relationship with God, what have I done to shown my love for Him? In my rudeness, ignorance and disobedience? I have really been challenged that I need to have a proactive faith, and that means me actively changing my character in the way I think and react to things. That sometimes I need to prove to God that He is worth it by giving up something I love. Just like He did. It's my turn.

5. Trusting in God one day at a time and enjoying the present
- I'm a planner. I like to plan ahead and know what is going on. Which means, I need to be in control of everything, all the time. This isn't me trusting God will work everything out, but in reality, it's me assuming it won't. God loves us, and rather than fret about the future - it's accepting that not only does He have a plan, but He has it under control. And all I need to do is enjoy the ride with Him. Easier said than done, but I'm trying.

6. Truthfulness - to myself and others
- I am a people pleaser. I want people to like me and approve of me. I'm also terrified of being left alone and abandoned by the people I love. It's probably my biggest fear in life, and one I have experienced a few times with friends, family and loved ones just giving up on me and leaving. I've noticed I tend to put up a front to people - to make myself liked and to protect myself from being hurt. In the Myers-Briggs I come out as an INTJ (Introvert, iNtuitive, Thinking, Judger). In reality, I think that the TJ part is probably a big defense mehcanism. I intellectualise everything to avoid my feelings being hurt. I can be impartial and remove my feelings from it. That way, I don't get hurt, or I can reason the situation. And my J is very much a controlling, planning characteristic I developed in order to try and control events - again to stop myself being hurt, or in reality to try and manipulate the situation for the same reason. I tell people that I'm a Thinker and that I don't cry or get emotionally effected by things, when in reality, it's the opposite. I have a huge emotional heart, but I just protect it because it's been hurt too much already. And my being in control of things, if something goes wrong, I only have myself to blame. It's far easier letting yourself down than somebody else letting you down. I know this is brutally honest, but it's something God has very much been working on this summer. I guess it's all out of fear which is another thing God has been working on.

7. My personality - how I have left my past shape who I am, and how much of who I am is a front in order to protect myself and keep up barriers
- Kinda like the above. I feel that we have two choices in life when we are hurt in our past. We can either let that hurt own us, or we can own it. I've done the first. I've let my hurt shape me in ways that are not always good or healthy. And i'm learning to give that hurt to God, mourn over loss, but know that everytime my heart is broken, Gods love is big enough to make it whole again.

8. A 2-way relationship with God
- Again, a bit like I said before, faith is about having a relationship with God. Which doesn't mean making demands of Him and doing what you want. It means showing love, trust and obedience to Him actively. I'm leanring to think about my relationship with God like any normal human relationship. If I just make demands of a person, ignore their good advice and don't bother calling them, that relationship will eventually break down and fail. It's going to hurt the other person and in reality, those attitudes and ebhaviours are far from loving. God is no different. My relationship with Him needs to involves kindness, love, respect, willingness to serve and take His advice. It means me trusting Him, and spending time with Him to get to know Him better. And it means me pulling my weight in the relationship.

9. God is not a genie
- Simple. God is not there to grant my every wish and demand. Imagine if He did that to everyone... all hell would break loose. God does want the best for us because He loves us. So when we're being selfish and praying a huge list of demands, if they're going to harm us, He just isn't going to do it. When a child asks their parents for a whole load of candy, if their parents want the best for their child, they'll say no. God is the same.

10. My commitment to God
- Faith is not something you can just dip your toe in. It's not something you do when it's convenient to you. And in the past, my faith has been just that. God has really highlighted that characteristic in me. I'm either in the boat, or I'm out of it - none of this dipping my toe to see if the water is warm business. Tom Yeakley said this morning that logic can only get you so far in life. Because most of the time, our logic is based from our personal viewpoint. To really "get" God, logic will get you so far, then you need a leap of faith. It's scary, but if you want the Good Stuff, you gotta take the leap. That's why it's called the leap of faith, not leap of nice-guaranteed-certainty.

11. My prayer life - how much of it is selfish and how much of it is for others
- Again, to do with God not being a genie. I realised most of my prayers are a "to-do list" of things God can kindly to to make my life better. Um, no. It doesn't work that way, and also, I've kinda been enlightened to how epicly selfish I am. God answers prayer, I have seen it. So it's time I can use my relationship with God to bless others, not just myself.

12. Fears are crippling
- Obvious, I know. But true. And i've let my fears and insecurities cripple me for a long time. And these things are so negative and damaging. They can warp you. I have let my fears build brick walls around my heart, so that at times I have just been plain cold and mean. By building up those walls, you don't only stop goodness going into your life, but you stop it going out to others too. Fears are like a hot coal - when we hold onto them it hurts and disfigures us. But when we let them go, and give them to God we give ourselves chance to heal.

13. Attitudes towards singless and marriage
- Eugh, this is a very personal thing I have been dealing with. There are many, many factors to it. One is my past, and for my default setting to be "in a relationship". Second, is my age - I know, i'm not old! But I am placing pressure on myself due to my own expectations and mental deadlines. Three, is circumstance - it feels everyone around me is getting married and in reality, I'm insanely jealous. And then, past hurt just makes that jealously all the more painful. And it's something that is just ridiculous. If I had a dollar for every minute spent thinking about it, i'd be a millionaire from this month alone. And that is all time I could be spending thinking about God, putting others first, and being a better person. It's also an area God flat out slammed me on (in a loving and encouraging way!) this last week. Here I am detailing my ideal husband, but do I possess the qualities that this ideal husband has in mind for a wife? Probably not. And for somebody I truly love, I want the very best for them - a kind, serving, loving, obedient, godly wife. And if I struggle with obedience and trust in God - somebody who is only good and will never let me down - how on earth will I do it for a regular man? This is very personal and private, I know. But it's something I feel God is asking me to share. Because i'm betting at some point everyone has struggled with this issue. I feel God is asking me to be faithful in "marriage" to Him, before He'll even think of blessing me with a husband. Because, in reality, if I was God and wanted to bless somebody with a good wife, i'm not too sure i'd pick me right now.

My Verses for this summer:
1. Nehemiah 1:5-9
- “O Lord, God of heaven, the great and awesome God who keeps his covenant of unfailing love with those who love him and obey his commands, listen to my prayer! I confess that I have sinned against you. I have hurt you terribly by not obeying the commands, decrees, and regulations that you gave us through your servant Moses. You said 'If you are unfaithful to me, I will scatter you among the nations. But if you return to me and obey my commands and live by them, then even if you are exiled to the ends of the earth, I will bring you back to the place I have chosen for my name to be honored.’"

2. Proverbs 3:5-6
- "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Seek Him in everything you do, and He will set your paths straight."

3. Jeremiah 29:11
- "For I know the plans I have for you' says the Lord. 'Plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

So there you go. Another epic update. I hope you all keep me in your prayers and pray over these points for me. At this point in my life, I just want to be a Daughter of God that honours, respects and obeys Him. I know that He is Good and Love, and that if I just remain in that (John 15:4), then amazing things will come.

xxxxxxxxx

Almost half way there!

Hey everyone,

First off, I want to apologise for my lack of blogging. Blogging isn't a normsl thing for me, so getting around to it can be quite difficult. Also, things are really busy here and the few minutes I get I either want some serious down-time, or serious God-time. So, I'm going to give you a bit of an epic update.

Secondly, I know the blogs I've had have all been caught up in GSP experiences - and we've had a lot of them. We've climbed Pikes Peak, been to the Zoo, I've been driving... it's so easy just to get caught up and distracted by all the shiny things that are going on around you and all the new friendships that are being made.

This blog is gonna be a bit more hardcore and serious. Yes, there have been some amazing experiences and sights here - but that isn't why I'm here. I came to the GSP to really connect deeply with God and try to understand Him better, deepen my trust in Him, and figure out what He wants for my life.

Initially, coming here was a kinda distraction from God. All the new stuff to see and people - I wasn't really focusing on being here for God, and it was more about me. But saying that, three weeks have now past and those distractions have become less and less, and more and more my focus has been turning to God. And man, have I needed it.

This last week especially, we have had some amazing speakers come in for the GSP programme who have really struck a chord in me. In these last few days, both Jery White and Randy Raysbrook have been speaking to us, and both times I was choking back tears at some point.

I've really been challanged as to why I here, and really been challanged on some of the attitudes I have. I've been challenged on my serving heart and love for others. I guess I feel i'm pretty selfish as an individual, and realised that most of my prayer time is about all the things God can do for me, and less about what I can do for Him and the people around me. I've started keeping a prayer list for others so at some point in my day I can stop, and focus on something other than myself for 10 minutes. And it really does make a difference.

Another thing that I feel God has challenged me on this summer is my reluctance to commit myself to Him. It feels like I only do it on my terms, when in reality, I'm the one who needs to make changes of heart and attitude. God is not a genie who grants endless wishes, and I cannot expect Him to do so. Today I was challenged by the thought that the times in my life I get upset are when things don't go my way. Wouldn't my life be so much better if I lived for God's way? Firstly, if I didn't get my way, it wouldn't matter so much, because i'd be living for Him. And secondly, God always gets His way. If I just lived day by day, in the moment, trusting that God would have HIS way with my life - then, i'd be a lot more peaceful. And I think, a lot would change in me too.

I'd be less selfish because i'd be living for Him. I'd be less controlling because I'd be trusting in His plans. I'd be less angry and bitter because i'd be less disappointed in not getting my way. And most importantly, i'd be turning my focus from myself firstly to God, and then to others.

Since becoming a Christian I have really wrestled with my personality and my life. Things haven't always been easy, and things from my past I have been greatly wounded by. It feels like I've spent two years asking God why on earth He let me go through that. Who am I to challenge God? My life has happened this way for a reason, and whatever I manage to do to it, God can redeem it and use it. And He really is. I'd have never believed a few years ago that I would be where I am now. He has turned the wreck of my life into something beyond my expectations or hope. It's right there in Ephesians 3:20 - "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."

And, um, why do I struggle so much letting Him just get on with it? What I can achieve on my own, do some degree is limited. I could have never got myself to America, climbing the Rockies without having to spend a penny of my own money on my own. No way. Impossible. With God, the impossible becomes possible. With God, He provided over £6,500 this year. With God, He passed me my dirving test in three weeks. With God, He got me to America for two months. These are all more that I could have asked or imagined.

As of right now, I have no idea where I am going to be in six months time. But I do know that God does. And whatever that is, He is on control. Right now, all God is asking of me is to have faith in Him. To let Him do what is needed. Not for me to make alternative arrangements or back up plans. Because if i'm doing those things, I'm doing them as a back up to my plans failing. God's plans will never fail.

I have spent the last four weeks here just feeling completely blown away by my life. My times with God have just been amazing. Challenging, and convicting - but amazing. I know God won't challenge me with anything I can't handle (1 Cor 10:13). These last few weeks I have felt a freedom that I cannot even put into words, and such joy and happiness. Finally, I feel like i'm at home. I feel like I'm exactly where God wants me, and for once, I'm not trying to work against Him. I feel liberated because I feel like I'm finally really giving myself over to Him. Do you know how incredibly freeing that is? It feels like my worries, my anger, my disappointment have just melted away. I can't stop myself from singing I feel so happy.

I'm realistic. There will always be times of struggle. There will be times in my life which will be hard and will suck and i'll want to pack it all in. And God will constantly be challenging and shaping me into being a better person. And I know He has plenty yet to work on. But hopefully, i'll always be able to look back on this moment and remember how freeing it feels to just give it all to Him, seek my comfort in Him and put God - put love - before everything else. I need to explain this.

When I read the verse "God is love" in 1 John 4:8, it chanegd everything. Everytime I read the Bible I substitued the words 'God', 'Jesus', 'Lord' or 'Holy Spirit' to the world Love. After all, that is what God is. And love is so much more tangible to me. I think most of us have experience love in some way. I'm fortunate enough to have an amazing mother who shows me what love is daily - and for me imaging that God is that kind of love - something so tangible, blows me away.
Now go back to scripture and look at it. All of a sudden, everything revolves around love. The whole Bible is about putting Love first. It's about trusting in Love, hoping in Love, surrendering yourself to Love. Stop. Just imagine what the world would be like if every single person did this.

It's not about some big powerful vengeful manipulative god, like in Greek mythology. It's not about following rules or never making mistakes. It's not about forcing people to do or believe anything. It's about putting Love as the priority in your life. It's about centering yourself in Love so that as far as humanly possible, we act out of Love. There's no long list of right and wrongs, or rules.

I'm going to end my blog on this simple truth:

"Love with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'There is no commandment greater than these."
- Mark 12:30-31

Imagine just how amazing the world would be if we all did this. x